Wednesday, September 30, 2009


i found my old livejournal today and it is the greatest thing ever!! this is exactly why i want to keep a blog, because it is so funny and gratifying to go back and read this stuff. i was the EXACT same person 4-6 years ago, it is insane. my thoughts and outlooks have not changed at all, my lifestyle is bizarrely similar, my relationships with people are pretty much the same.. it's too good. i want to post everything on here, but i'll just post the link so i can go back whenever.

i did LAUGH at this though:

"i like to place a name on my problems
and a face on my loneliness
and maintain faceless nameless people
to recieve my undirected love.
but my entire life is just a reflection of what i feel and think.
and none of it means anything to me, at all."

such a robot. it's still pretty relevant and makes sense to me though.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

It's Astounding How You Lay So Close To Your Cure

i feel insanely bipolar. i keep having incredible highs followed by hollowing lows and i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i keep venting to the same friends and although they are loyal, consistent, and all-around amazing, the few people who could truly make me feel better never come through.

so i vent back to myself:

- i woke up after 4 hours of sleep covered in bruises from a stupid night and had to go to work and try to act enthused ..i clearly failed at that because i randomly freaked out and started crying uncontrollably, my boss literally just held me like a baby on the couch until i calmed down. i hate crying, i hate crying even more when i don't know why it's happening, and i hate crying most in front of anyone.

- i accidentally locked myself out of my own room and had to spend the only free hours of my day trying to get it open because my landlord & locksmith are fucking incompetent (joe and brad eventually infiltrated my window).

- my grandpa has lung cancer again, my 55yrold uncle is in the middle of cancer treatments now, my favorite uncle just gave everyone a scare with complications from surgery.. and although it's frustrating that my dad fails to tell me any of this until after the fact, i'm more upset about/feeling shitty for being totally absent from any sort of family life.

also now i have 2 long overdue papers to do within the next 2 hours somehow because my whole day was wasted with bullshit, but i'm sitting in the library too upset to concentrate. how can i write a positive speech about myself when i feel fucking useless as a person? i would absolutely take a mental leave of absence from school right now if i didn't get shut down so hard the last time i tried to do that, which was when s.h. died almost 2 years ago. it isn't that things are so bad, it isn't that my problems are huge, it isn't that my life sucks - because i know they're not and it doesn't. it's only my head that is incredibly fucked, and the rest wouldn't be an issue if not for that.

i'm always either indulged or ignored. i honestly want someone to slap me in the face, refuse me sympathy and sugarcoating, stop giving me easy exits and free passes, and force me to man the fuck up because for the first time in my entire life i really don't think i can do it myself.

Friday, September 25, 2009

I Am Feathered By the Moonlight

Several things over the past week have actually made me stop in my tracks and think about how the littlest things in life can be so incredibly beautiful or gratifying or meaningful. It can be an offhand comment someone makes that strikes a chord in you, or something completely irrelevant that you happen to witness and appreciate, or even just the way something looks or sounds or moves. It sucks that most people are too absorbed in their own issues and agendas to take notice of or be affected by that stuff.. if everyone could just understand that life isn't meant to be taken seriously, then the little things would be the only ones that carried any weight. For me, the feeling of finishing a really good book is infinitely better than the feeling of getting a 3.6 GPA. Having an unexpectedly great conversation with one of my bosses or customers at work is way more rewarding than the money in my hand at the end of the week.

Here's a few instances that have recently re-affirmed my faith in humanity in little ways:

* Last night after work I saw a young couple slow dancing on the sidewalk - no music, no laughter, not talking, completely oblivious to the screech of traffic in the background and bustle of drunk kids rushing past them.

* Today as I was rushing between classes a total stranger walked up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, looked dead in my eyes and said "you are really beautiful" - and then just continued on his way as I awkwardly yelled a word of thanks to his back.

* My communications professor pulled me aside in class today to compliment me on the caliber of language I used in a recent e-mail to him. His exacts words were: "I am not sure I have read one message -or even any assignment- that has been better written."

* A few days ago I stopped by a party to say hi to an old friend, who turned out to be incredibly drunk and kept trying to kiss me. When I denied the advances he mumbled something to the effect of 'then why did I even invite you here anyway?' to which I replied 'if that was your only reason, then why have we been friends for 10 years?' Suddenly his demeanor became very serious as he apologized and said 'we're friends because I've always considered you to be one of very few legitimately SMART girls I have ever met.'

* Last week I was walking down my street and noticed that the Prudential building off in the distance was glowing bright orange from the reflection of the setting sun. It looked so incredible that I actually called Joe and made him walk up the hill to look at it with me (hi joe, you're the only person who reads this anyway!)

Oh and I made a tumblr account specifically for posting lyrics and such so that I can keep this blog solely for my own thoughts - any extras will be here:

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

All Over The Walls, All Over My Brain

I've listened to Cassino every single day for the past 3 weeks, although it isn't anything new or extraordinary, and this is basically why:

"I know I'll always stay possessed like some preacher to a crucifix if you drive your nails into me. We're sitting on the floor in a pile trading our arms for some wings of harm. I am god damned, been blown from the hinge and I can now barely stand. Oh Jaelyn I can feel you like the wind. The beatings that rotation brings has us bedding down on anything but as our shrinking lives collide and ring the sound is beautiful and lean. I never planned to live like this - empty vaults, a rolling kiss, oh I never plan on anything. Sitting on the floor in a smile I'm tearing apart, like poverty art you are god sent. Been blown from the hinge and I can now barely stand."

Their lyrics just read like poetry. I love that. I actually printed out City and Colour lyrics too this week to make a little poetry booklet to read in my boring classes. I'm a freak. Here's some real poetry:

"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;
I lift my lids and all is born again.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,
And arbitrary blackness gallops in:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed
And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:
Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.

I fancied you’d return the way you said,
But I grow old and I forget your name.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)

I should have loved a thunderbird instead;
At least when spring comes they roar back again.
I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.
(I think I made you up inside my head.)"

-Mad Girl’s Love Song by Sylvia Plath

I Am Alive & That Is the Best That I Can Do

I shouldn't be on this because i'm in the middle of taking an internet hiatus, but I am failing so hard at most things right now that I can't help it. The hiatus was supposed to a) force me to actually do some homework and b) prevent me from seeing things on facebook/twitter that only make me cringe and overanalyze - which is stupid and creepy, because the internet is not a valid representation of real life.

OH and I wanted a record of what Nancy said to me the other day. I couldn't stop talking about something and when I apologized for it she told me she actually liked it because "she could see me soul" - hahah it made my day but i hate it. According to another friend I am a "closet human" and honestly I really don't like when people can see me as anything other than an emotional robot. Although it was my own choice to trade in that armor, I only put up a different wall and this one is giving me fucking ulcers. Whatever, as long as my 'soul is showing' i can go to human clubs instead of clubbing humans.. sup nancy.

Anyway I still feel godawful, I skipped 3 days of classes already and it's barely the 3rd week of school, I am completely behind in all of my homework INCLUDING the reflection still due from august - but I'm going to try now, really. I needed to fix my mental health a little bit before I could do anything else, so I don't feel too bad about it. I'd feel better if my mental health actually was improved, which it's not, but it's also not my fault or for lack of trying.

Been addicted to this Margot and the Nuclear So and So's song lately.. I love it in a really sick way though, seeing as I feel like a skeleton key most days.

"I did a sick, sick thing to my love
My lack of loyalty, it swallowed her up
And she cooked me food
She squirmed and turned
Like a skeleton key
She left her man and attended to me
And don't call me that
Don't claim you love me
Cause you know that ain't true
My dire affliction I'll attribute to you
And you're finally free
To twist and turn
Like a skeleton key
You've gotta let me know
I did a horrible thing to that girl
I bread my misery and drowned it in her
And she got me high
And I hardly noticed there were tears in her eyes
And I miss you less and less everyday
This stream of whiskey's helped to wash you away
And it's clear to see
You're nothing special
You're a skeleton key
You've gotta let me know"

Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Can't Stop Listening - Part 2

"I know it cause you wrote it down a hundred times
But you say that you're doing just fine
Say there's something better
But today there is a cold moon rising
And you wanted something better
But tonight, tonight you're giving up
I asked a question, give me an answer
You'll say the word, and I will disappear
.... Darkness, and you can hear me
I will try to draw you near me
But in the morning you will wake up alone
When your body breaks
Even the hummingbirds will feel the earthquake"

-from The Hush Sound "Molasses"
i just listened to their cd "Goodbye Blues" for the first time and it rules.

Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Can't Stop Listening

"and it just feels good when you're waking up
and it just feels good when you're next to me
and it just feels good when you're coming home
and it just feels good when it's waking up
and I've become just like a chemical stress
tracing the lines of my face for
something more beautiful than is there"

-from Rilo Kiley "My Slumbering Heart"

Monday, September 14, 2009

I Am Flawed If I'm Not Free

If I could trade lives with anyone for a few days, it would be one of these little ladies.

They are each:
(1) a rare combination of gorgeous, intelligent, and talented
(2) frontwomen of great bands
(3) fostering successful solo careers
(4) brilliant lyricists
(5) known for their incredible style
(6) constantly travelling & surrounded by amazing people

Maria Taylor (Azure Ray, Now It's Overhead)


The first show I ever went to by myself was Maria Taylor at the Troubador in LA, and it was painfully beautiful. She was so tiny and talked in this shy awkward manner, but then as soon as she started playing she transformed into this commanding presence and all anyone could do was shut up and stare - and that RARELY happens at shows in LA. It just felt incredibly intimate and personal; her emotions were so palpable that I actually got anxious and kinda nervous just watching. I cannot imagine being able to put myself on display like that. Not gonna lie, I teared up a little bit when she played "Clean Getaway" (that song was my anthem for the first few months after moving across the country) so I was pretty relieved that I had opted to go alone. I remember listening to Azure Ray in my car on winter mornings driving to high school, and how excited I was when I recognized her voice on so many Bright Eyes tracks. I'm just amazed that anyone this awesome could come out of Alabama.

Jenny Lewis (Rilo Kiley)


Seriously the cutest girl ever. I could have exploded from happiness when she played "Silver Lining" at Coachella, and then again when Elvis Costello joined her for "Carpetbaggers" at Bonnaroo.

Emily Haines (Metric, Broken Social Scene)


Emily Haines is the most powerfully sexual person I've ever witnessed. It's not that she's overtly goodlooking, she just has this startlingly sensual voice and brash confidence that make everything she sings feel like a come-on. Listen to "Raw Sugar" and you'll understand. This is a woman who moved to Buenos Aires on a whim - completely alone - for a few months last year just to clear her head and write the new Metric album in peace, which is one of the coolest things I've ever heard. She's fucking wild onstage but retains this undeniable mysterious quality which just makes her all the more attractive and captivating.

I'm Too Tired To Go To Sleep Tonight

Listened to Motion City Soundtrack all day in an attempt to energize myself after sleeping for maybe 2hrs last night, tops. I realize that all i do is post lyrics but whatever, most of my issues are pretty unoriginal and lyrics tend to sum them up more eloquently than i could anyway.

"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem
Said the knuckle to the concrete
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment in my own way
I'm not saying that I'm giving up
I'm just trying not to think as much as I used to
Cause never is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I'll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I'm learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I'll never get over it
But I'm gonna try to get better
And overcome each moment in my own way
I sure want to get back on track
And I'll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me"

from "Even If It Kills Me"

anyway, i killed it in financial management class today so i'm feeling pretty good about that, and this semester's first literary magazine meeting is tonight so i definitely have a nerdboner. i had really good conversations with ashley, stephen, nancy, and kristen yesterday/today and i realized how much i love having friends that are so radically different in their views and opinions. it's so interesting to see how personal experience and attitudes lead people to percieve the same situation in completely disparate ways. it's also extremely reassuring to be reminded of how sincerely they care about my happiness and sanity. ashley is harsh and brutally honest, steve is my constant ego boost, nancy is compassionate and sympathetic, and kristen is relentlessly logical and intuitive - and their combined support honestly helped clarify so much for me.

i realized that there is nothing actually wrong with anything, my life is pretty solid and incredible, and all this weirdness i've been feeling is purely personal issues and insecurities that i've bottled up for far too long so their surfacing was just too much to handle all at once, and now i need to address them individually. my big roadblock was that i was so concerned with getting back to where i used to be mentally, but now i know it's more about moving forward and facing my weaknesses rather than masking them as i have for 20 years. what worked when i was 18 and untouchable will not have the same success rate today. i need to find the balance between being vulnerable and being a robot, and accept that it's ok to be human. i will admit that i went a little fucking crazy last night, so today begins the uphill battle out of this ditch i somehow sunk into. i feel pretty good.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

And I Know It Well

I've lived between work, the gym, and the library the past 2 days in a mildly successful attempt at being a hermit. This style could work for me.. between 26+ hrs/wk at Temptations and at least 2 homework assignments due every weekday, it's kinda my only option. But Nancy is visiting me next weekend so that will be a nice break, we always have the most fun in Boston.

It's nice to finally have a cash flow again, although I'm already planning out fall purchases: a pygmy hedgehog, flannel shirtdresses with corresponding knee socks & tights, tall boots, and hopefully a trip to CA by December. Perhaps I should pay off my mounting credit card debt first? ..Perhaps.

Things to Work On: increasing motivation, decreasing procrastination, regaining self-assurance & self-esteem, stop smoking even just "socially" and (as always) stabilize my ever-fucked sleep pattern

It's already fall weather in Boston so I need to make a quick NJ trip to get all my winter clothes very soon, but I'm currently not stable enough to go back there. In due time.

Listened to Circa Survive at the gym, the song "Meet Me in Montauk" hit me hard from several directions. The reference in the title always reminds me of being 15, finding flowers on my doorstep with that note tucked in the morning after we watched 'Eternal Sunshine' together - that scribbled quote is still on my dresser at home, although it's presence is always overshadowed by his funeral card in my selective line of vision. Still, the first verse is conducent to the present, and the rest of it to (what should be) the past.

"Leave just as you came
Without a sound
Nothing to ruffle your ends
I've been wandering around
Making up movies in my head
So we say don't let it go
Let me try and pull out my pride
I already forget how I used to feel about you
Leave as fast as you came
No invitation, nowhere to go from here
I've been wandering around
Wondering how I got so, got so..
So fucking boring all of a sudden
So fucking scared (No I'm not scared)
You'd mean so much more to me
You'd mean so much more if I remembered"

Friday, September 11, 2009

If This Isn't What You Want Then Why Are You Here?

"I'm not really like this. I'm probably plightless. I cup the window. I'm crippled and slow. For the agony I'd rather know, cause blinded I am blindsided. Would you really rush out for me now?"
-Bon Iver

I am the only person in the entire library info commons area at almost midnight on a friday, and i'm not even doing work.. just hiding out, cause it's hard to be alone when all your friends are your neighbors and i haven't had even a few hours to myself in weeks. i'm having one of those moments where i'm not really sure what i'm doing in college, because i couldn't possibly care any less about the things i'm currently learning in class and i feel like there's a lot more i could be doing with my life that doesn't involve wasting my fucking time. it's not helping that i have felt so goddamn inadequate for weeks already for other reasons.

i'm just going to stop writing, because this is sounding fucking miserable and i'm not trying to have a sick emo blog 7th grade heartbreak style.

Monday, September 7, 2009

You Have My Attention

I had ONE SINGLE ASSIGNMENT to do this summer in order to get credit for my 6 amazing months on co-op.. and it was due 3 weeks ago. What is wrong with me? How am I going to get anything done this semester? The worst part is that I don't care at all. I know I'll get it done and be fine somehow, so I have no motivation. In all actuality, that's how my life has been for the past 6 years. I have never worked hard for anything, and there's never been anything I really wanted that I didn't eventually get. Yet I'm realistic enough to understand that things won't always be that way; I lead a charmed life, but I'm not naive. It makes me a little nervous that when my luck runs out I won't be motivated enough to turn things around myself.

Kevin is playing at my school on Wednesday with Owen ahh I'm so excited! I generally love Northeastern. Also Nick is coming to Boston tomorrow so I'm psyched about that too. ALSO we found someone to move into the unexpectedly empty room in our apartment, avoiding a ton of financial and legal issues. Damn I am real glad good things are happening now to overshadow the fact that classes are starting.

Today's soundtrack is Copeland and Coconut Records: calm, simple background music. Time to work on this co-op stuff, go to the gym, and get apartment things!

Saturday, September 5, 2009

Settling In

I've been back at work at Temptations for 3 days now and it's so fucking great, I love my job and bosses a stupid amount. Last night Florence and her friends from LA (a band called The Surrender) crashed at my apt. which was cool, it was funny to see her on the other side of the country and made me miss Cali a whole lot - but Boston is definitely where I belong right now. This whole week I've felt more 'at home' than I have in months, which has a lot to do with seeing Allie every day.. I just never want to live anywhere that she isn't. Plus I get to spend every night kicking it with my favorite boys, meeting new people, and not having to suffer insomnia alone!

I am wildly underprepared for the start of class though, and I'm super broke, but those things will work themselves out.

These songs made my morning bike ride to work really awesome. They're catchy as hell and convey a sense of stability and closure that I haven't quite attained yet, but I'm working towards it.

If there's regret that you feel
About the choice you've made
You'll just have to deal
Before it goes away
You ask me how I feel
And here's what I'll say that
I'm doing fine, just fine - I'm doing fine


I'll give away this girl who tried to make you fall in love
I'll give her to you so keep her close, close to you
So you won't forget about how she loved you
So long ago, once upon a time
Now she has grown up and you can't take it back
A lullaby won't change my mind & I won't ever go back to that
I will stay true, true to this belief
That we've changed for the best through this

- Tilly and the Wall

Oh what a day is today
Nothing can stand in my way
Now that you've shipped out from under my skin
I think I'm ready to win
Oh what a night is tonight
I think I'm ready to fight
Now that my broken bones all have been healed
I think I'm starting to feel
Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good
Oh what a way that we died
Plenty of tears were supplied
My eyes are wrung out and dry as a bone
And I taste much better alone
Now that you're gone I can roll on to something good

- Ingrid Michaelson

Right now, I wouldn't change a thing. Maybe a few months of constants and comfortability won't be so bad.

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Fresh Start

Edna St. Vincent Millay is the reason I began to seriously read poetry 5 years ago, and these poems/excerpts sum up why she is still my favorite. She puts all my thoughts into an AB rhyme scheme, when I can't even put them into coherent sentences.

"It's little I care what path I take,
And where it leads it's little I care;
But out of this house, lest my heart break,
I must go, and off somewhere.

It's little I know what's in my heart,
What's in my mind it's little I know,
But there's that in me must up and start,
And it's little I care where my feet go. "

from "Departure"

"The railroad track is miles away,
And the day is loud with voices speaking,
Yet there isn't a train goes by all day
But I hear its whistle shrieking.

All night there isn't a train goes by,
Though the night is still for sleep and dreaming,
But I see its cinders red on the sky,
And hear its engine steaming.

My heart is warm with friends I make,
And better friends I'll not be knowing;
Yet there isn't a train I'd rather take,
No matter where it's going"

from "Travel"

"I drank at every vine.
The last was like the first.
I came upon no wine
So wonderful as thirst.

I gnawed at every root.
I ate of every plant.
I came upon no fruit
So wonderful as want.

Feed the grape and bean
To the vintner and monger:
I will lie down lean
With my thirst and my hunger."

from "Feast"

In other news, I moved into my new apartment on the hill yesterday. I'm ecstatic to have my own room again, especially since it's made up of literally 95% bed. Seriously, my entire room is a giant temperpedic bed.. there is room for one dresser and barely any walking perimeter. It's glorious. I'm even happier to be living with Allie again, and less than a 5 minute walk from at least 5 other apartments filled with some of my closest friends - and we didn't even plan that! I'm nervous for school to start though because I can't get my brain to work or my body to wake up early, but I'm sure the routine will come naturally when it comes down to it.

I just hate routine.