tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8674671544033763202024-02-02T01:42:49.809-05:00Ella Devineelladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.comBlogger34125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-9940107877774248852010-02-02T07:05:00.003-05:002010-02-02T07:12:32.811-05:00best friend.<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdx-M1k56_EGB82KM5nbKP_4-ZAV0boCPHHVWK7fSry7HSIBdS_MyGBh8nYso7cXlYE9gqARX8jQIzLRwnsIohI212BEjp1znNs2C35sQVbAwbue5j0j7y1AqiCLpeIH0jQBrlHrR3ozo/s1600-h/Screen+shot+2010-02-02+at+4.19.38+AM.png"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 400px; height: 202px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhdx-M1k56_EGB82KM5nbKP_4-ZAV0boCPHHVWK7fSry7HSIBdS_MyGBh8nYso7cXlYE9gqARX8jQIzLRwnsIohI212BEjp1znNs2C35sQVbAwbue5j0j7y1AqiCLpeIH0jQBrlHrR3ozo/s400/Screen+shot+2010-02-02+at+4.19.38+AM.png" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5433617684272693778" /></a><br /><br /><br />this rules. <br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />...still nocturnal.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-66820254139316744422010-01-10T05:36:00.000-05:002010-01-10T06:33:36.249-05:00what the fuckam i thinking?<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />static.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-87433185305385853512010-01-05T01:58:00.005-05:002010-09-11T02:31:28.957-04:00Everyone Feels Like You.Getting back to boston tonight felt more like coming home than it ever has before. I made mashed potatoes and curled up in Allie's bed with her and later MikeyLife, just talking for 4 hours straight. And now my bedroomcave really feels like i belong in it. I guess it took a couple weeks away to notice that. Or maybe anything would feel like this after being subjected to extended periods of nj. <br /><br />Anyway I'm glad I decided to stay here this semester. Gives me time to earn money and make plans to leave more in the future, hah. I always love where my life is, but right now I particularly love where I am in my head. It's a great balance of caring about a rare few people, while still needing nothing and no one at all. I'm not completely cold anymore, but other people still can't affect me. They just matter too little in the whole scheme of things.<br /><br />2010. every year has gotten better and better since 2004, and i doubt this one will be any different. already feels amazing. fuck i'm happy.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-78670707886061817462010-01-02T06:27:00.006-05:002010-01-02T07:43:08.978-05:00Ohh, It Feels Good To Be Free..<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgulNv4BiQUdi8Z_hGUfngT1Cb9zX-Z_PITu8qF-OwQumyPFg7Mnn1-77L2hPFrc8kaX-wbg3KwRvIrxbgqRZShwCmET2FPggm004jP80ZY0DMYyqRQ2FbjDukLL_nnOj27gf8eIONBvQs/s1600-h/Photo+on+2010-01-02+at+02.16+%235.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgulNv4BiQUdi8Z_hGUfngT1Cb9zX-Z_PITu8qF-OwQumyPFg7Mnn1-77L2hPFrc8kaX-wbg3KwRvIrxbgqRZShwCmET2FPggm004jP80ZY0DMYyqRQ2FbjDukLL_nnOj27gf8eIONBvQs/s320/Photo+on+2010-01-02+at+02.16+%235.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422112766819294114" /></a><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM8o6a7ZfJz3Wl5wy04j8hiXJGYTdJ6IrCBTZU3KTopCU6LUyvGLpmWeQe_wf9EFPcj-2gAWSifmASxCO4ED2Wp33JNrR4xQfyLvzOL71LkZVwPJu-gxbbLdQtyuQ5ngTSlcP24MT-dBY/s1600-h/Photo+on+2010-01-02+at+02.08.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhM8o6a7ZfJz3Wl5wy04j8hiXJGYTdJ6IrCBTZU3KTopCU6LUyvGLpmWeQe_wf9EFPcj-2gAWSifmASxCO4ED2Wp33JNrR4xQfyLvzOL71LkZVwPJu-gxbbLdQtyuQ5ngTSlcP24MT-dBY/s320/Photo+on+2010-01-02+at+02.08.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5422112594641286802" /></a><br /><br />Tonight, insomnia has caused me to watch How to Marry a Millionaire, Breakfast Club, Dirty Dancing, Obsession, and Hot Rod (for the 9th time). Oh and Seany and I watched the Prestige earlier - awesome movie. Clearly, I'm also greatly enjoying my new Macbook - my only christmas present, but so worth it.<br /><br />So that was the first December i can remember that didn't completely suck for me, and a great New Years Eve as well. Marcellus broke down on 18 the other day so I got stuck in NJ longer than expected, but my sisters and i went to that Dillinger/UN/Thursday/Glassjaw show which completely overshadows any bad that has happened - it was stupid good. Plus it gave me some extra time to sort through some shit that's been weighing me down and finally sate this morbid curiosity, so I'm feeling extra phenomenal wild free. <br /><br />Still, this is the longest consecutive amount of time I've spent in NJ in about 2 years and I am very ready to leave. The number of old friends I actually care to see here gets smaller with every visit and I couldn't care any less. I just belong with all my boys, my twin, and my soulmate in Boston. It's weird how I randomly acquired this slight ability to mildly miss/care about people again, but it's the most unexpected ones. Still not sure if I prefer roboticism to this, but I'm not going to think about it or try to plan out what I want - just letting go.<br /><br /><br />And goddamn do I have great things going for me right now. REAL excited to dive the fuck in.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-37973445216047244642009-12-16T21:58:00.002-05:002009-12-16T22:38:49.239-05:00Can't Keep Myself Away From Me.my only final is in 13 hours. i'm just about to start reading this textbook for the first time of course. i haven't slept in 2 full days, typical. but hey i still feel phenomenal! things are too good. all it took was a step and now i'm fucking sprinting.<br /><br /><br />so goodbye to the laziest, most pointless college semester yet. ironically enough, i have learned more about myself during the past 3 months than i had in the past 3 years combined. funny, i've found that even my supposed flaws tend to benefit me.<br /><br /><br />now watch me talk myself out of my own thoughts. i am control.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-62786954861607741032009-12-12T16:45:00.002-05:002009-12-12T16:47:27.901-05:00HIGHLIGHTS<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWjL-m2VlmT5OQFvBkRQXhR-Md1izTPOoStkRvCgfHjTkYYLOGKGC00CMiQ8zlKZ-h_uFutwept0o0CAykwP9E8iKezfvAFjRCExXWBH8CrZG5OW1nFTrIhK3iFkNYBw95uY2WF3ObqjI/s1600-h/---.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgWjL-m2VlmT5OQFvBkRQXhR-Md1izTPOoStkRvCgfHjTkYYLOGKGC00CMiQ8zlKZ-h_uFutwept0o0CAykwP9E8iKezfvAFjRCExXWBH8CrZG5OW1nFTrIhK3iFkNYBw95uY2WF3ObqjI/s320/---.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414469474340826146" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHZ2p7kMpUsoFsBs_DOuT4myqHBiA0-67_BDvHmgEB86xDMJ3PEfdTNB9RXDr6P5Qgp-2FqI9sNW624fV3ZPSgLIxbgDnEwi-Ve8FZj0LxFhVcrXgC2jq9OZfdPyzgtNq3lOIpsoGlTdw/s1600-h/66.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgHZ2p7kMpUsoFsBs_DOuT4myqHBiA0-67_BDvHmgEB86xDMJ3PEfdTNB9RXDr6P5Qgp-2FqI9sNW624fV3ZPSgLIxbgDnEwi-Ve8FZj0LxFhVcrXgC2jq9OZfdPyzgtNq3lOIpsoGlTdw/s320/66.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414469469824961810" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjp6pNKhyKJqGKP5GQBwOINF4faI-UI3CQua2fwYZwlRZFKejkhOwoSg3yKM2XbHb3ZTrgO23qu_dikIoDKkyQpxQu5TSFOfh4sylclF-QLCVOrwpBmkSRfdJqrw7xEUfgfcCkNYcQ03Ck/s1600-h/00.jpg"><img style="display:block; 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margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgT8P7qsQreYfU03wi2NnDHIr_kLfAztu22sIV5i92j8luwDKyqTpLmcJ3R7aZR9cPFZq_Qi3c2kyyWeLq9mBWLceBNtbEaBws1cdTskQltgfqL9FpD5Vd2zfBbaIm-C0th2snFWBIQERA/s320/9.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414469118574626194" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_DHM6gzRGtaFGknFE9BBG0Pd2MIwmQNr0qw2miqI41I3jLVGKQGPDzLhoGeN2eAsiEWnogm8nfYgrkB3i6MqP44kGxhjQ-uqrw7OVKp4AJ5xEBK2SiS8nMFDsqwEmY8oU_GvPP4kZkFU/s1600-h/8.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEj_DHM6gzRGtaFGknFE9BBG0Pd2MIwmQNr0qw2miqI41I3jLVGKQGPDzLhoGeN2eAsiEWnogm8nfYgrkB3i6MqP44kGxhjQ-uqrw7OVKp4AJ5xEBK2SiS8nMFDsqwEmY8oU_GvPP4kZkFU/s320/8.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414469111878404354" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihUZzBkO4SsuTxehUw5YKKPBXfCPwIcS3blS2mP7dMo0T1cKGcjolepawTZat22YJo0rbqUmDv05hhnxdrPseq4SYnGEPyJ1x0yOj1pkW7oIwkuKBgTQWCkV2psha8VqyRIPBB2DGWhmk/s1600-h/7.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEihUZzBkO4SsuTxehUw5YKKPBXfCPwIcS3blS2mP7dMo0T1cKGcjolepawTZat22YJo0rbqUmDv05hhnxdrPseq4SYnGEPyJ1x0yOj1pkW7oIwkuKBgTQWCkV2psha8VqyRIPBB2DGWhmk/s320/7.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414469102052426818" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOseF0DmFCEP8KpmNBisUnHfCPbkJwdx3K3LNuWNlVQn7yqOqyJOuFEXe-CMGnBJPvyEZ3utcs57JWkx9xbWmRDOhA6tTFmNu_XZAGvOB-ZRU25Zb7YDbuTg2XcUOaiTABFdceHCSP77Q/s1600-h/5.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 213px; height: 320px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjOseF0DmFCEP8KpmNBisUnHfCPbkJwdx3K3LNuWNlVQn7yqOqyJOuFEXe-CMGnBJPvyEZ3utcs57JWkx9xbWmRDOhA6tTFmNu_XZAGvOB-ZRU25Zb7YDbuTg2XcUOaiTABFdceHCSP77Q/s320/5.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414469100493932578" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgBGiQ2RamWDdr1YquVDRGvoRT81N425VygjX-_XInlfFBM2mnqodi9NH_xOOWygSvUr8gpVlynva6A0uTOxwrmemLwNeTzlF-HSt8N-MDAcM3qkibKkNhBS_LLZ4EcXXM-dDS-7Pp5Pw/s1600-h/4.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 213px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjgBGiQ2RamWDdr1YquVDRGvoRT81N425VygjX-_XInlfFBM2mnqodi9NH_xOOWygSvUr8gpVlynva6A0uTOxwrmemLwNeTzlF-HSt8N-MDAcM3qkibKkNhBS_LLZ4EcXXM-dDS-7Pp5Pw/s320/4.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414469094805996146" /></a>elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-77965649687795579812009-12-12T16:31:00.002-05:002009-12-12T16:39:29.742-05:00Suddenly between sheets & eyelids I am reminded why I don't do this..<a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyTxEnKEFJk9xcw2QeU7gjA8NQApe2MX_4OH8mNaHwf0nlflcTf6iSKZqmGWCTOdQvdXLpH-DQTQHUcdgFBqK5vltT8yl9S2GgERU8bhFuupiVhZ12mUVul3BbVcOIh3M5FdoC7L2iyRk/s1600-h/3.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgyTxEnKEFJk9xcw2QeU7gjA8NQApe2MX_4OH8mNaHwf0nlflcTf6iSKZqmGWCTOdQvdXLpH-DQTQHUcdgFBqK5vltT8yl9S2GgERU8bhFuupiVhZ12mUVul3BbVcOIh3M5FdoC7L2iyRk/s320/3.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414466263169204210" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGkv40Jac-eqVD3tVom7mxcp1TeFuEgSpcEsWtdLjPmMDOvB8MulJRsQIfEwZ35VoDrdckvmGKbnEiOTtEGfGxSwP4rnYIhdxrdev0krbLj2hj3FCwvMNqKhQNglvrl1_v3DJ80On54Xc/s1600-h/2.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjGkv40Jac-eqVD3tVom7mxcp1TeFuEgSpcEsWtdLjPmMDOvB8MulJRsQIfEwZ35VoDrdckvmGKbnEiOTtEGfGxSwP4rnYIhdxrdev0krbLj2hj3FCwvMNqKhQNglvrl1_v3DJ80On54Xc/s320/2.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414466263297665938" /></a><br /><a href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwydHbqMmestBo9wGIi0464hTfctmcGRRII0m9ZtqvMM5UUZR4uVu3ui-txRsRMPD9eT1ajBBDCetuWU-ptsRpSLXP0xZTvnrhGQyKcIxZ-v0p7HrddCXvUFstfGeQk-aTHC_IEh2MNVA/s1600-h/1.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjwydHbqMmestBo9wGIi0464hTfctmcGRRII0m9ZtqvMM5UUZR4uVu3ui-txRsRMPD9eT1ajBBDCetuWU-ptsRpSLXP0xZTvnrhGQyKcIxZ-v0p7HrddCXvUFstfGeQk-aTHC_IEh2MNVA/s320/1.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5414466189813640002" /></a><br /><br /><br /><br />boston tattoo! it's only 1/3 of the way done, eventually it's going to wrap around my entire hipbone. then i'm getting a yellow birdy on my ribs in omaha this summer when nancy and i roadtrip. THEN i'll connect the two into a full side piece, eventually, somewhere, something, one day.<br /><br /><br />things are incredible, school is over, i suddenly have more friends than i can even find the time to hang out with as much as i would like to, and several old and new boys just completely came out of the woodwork too which is a weird/amusing ego-boost. things are hectic and wonderful and i'm incredibly happy.<br /><br /><br />but alas, the morbid curiousity remains.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-7464334694883600232009-12-03T21:15:00.002-05:002009-12-03T21:36:51.742-05:00SkinCrawlSyndromeEvery person has the same face.<br />I revel in architecture, the ocean,<br />a hard rain or a new town.<br />My skin is constantly crawling.<br />Something in me always wants to keep going.<br />I'm always happy, but never content.<br />Most find comfort in old friends, a familiar haunt,<br />the safety net of consistency -<br />all I see are dead ends and someone I used to be.<br />Comfort itself make me anxious.<br />I'd rather live for change,<br />dive blindly into the unknown.<br />I am all I need,<br />but I remain utterly insatiable.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-87260033511410240742009-12-03T03:13:00.002-05:002009-12-03T03:49:31.164-05:00You're Just Damage ControlI am so glad this semester is ending so I can climb off the freakish rollercoaster that's been taking over my brain for the past couple months. Shit is slowing to a halt now but goddamn i was losing it for the first time in 5 years.<br /><br />One short period of "clinical depression", laziness, and self-esteem issues is a very small price to pay in comparison to the huge way in which my life and brain and thoughts and outlook fucking rule 99.9% of the time. Although I did still promise my dad I'd go to a shrink or something, which I don't mind cause I've been meaning to get ADD medicine (legally) for a while now. Also I'm corking my uterus. And getting partial gum graft surgery. Think I'm kidding?<br /><br />Spoke to my parents for the first time in 2months and went to nj for thanksgiving last week. Quality time in NYC with apk&co, nj adventures with apk & donny & randoms & nancy & briefly saw peter. GLASSJAW, BRAND NEW, MANCHESTER, KEVIN, &BRIAN all played in long island - incredible. went with my sisters and hung out with at least 12 other Devine family members, spanning 4 generations - too good.<br /><br />just saw bonz again tonight at TTs with john nolan and personL, it was real fun and good hangs and i'm glad chris joined me THANKS FOR BEING A DOWN FOR ANYTHING FRIEND.<br /><br /><br />oh and i'm officially 104lbs, not quite quite at the goal but still a success that more than warrants being rewarded with a tattoo on monday - my 4th state tattoo (you deserve it, M.A.) and my 1st big/colored piece. it's also going to be a great excuse for me to take off my shirt and 'inadvertently' impress people with my incredible biceps and newly discovered triceps and hipbones. it'll be more subtle than that time last week when i forced my mom and sister into the bathroom to watch me flex in the mirror. Once again, think I'm kidding?<br /><br /><br />I didn't sleep or even go to bed last night so i don't know why i'm still awake at 4am, and now will end this narcissistic rant instead of listing off the 27things I am so excited for over the next week. that time will come i'm sure.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-30035495175967198762009-11-09T01:13:00.002-05:002009-11-09T01:31:30.907-05:00Living Well Is The Best RevengeNot much going on that i care to share lately, or scribe to remind myself of. I've been pretty successfully chronicling my brain waves through lyrics & corresponding photos on my tumblr instead.<br /><br />I was Jessica Rabbit for Halloween and that weekend was incredible, Nancy visited and she just brings out the best in me. This weekend I skinned my knees, failed to sleep or wear pants, met a cool huskywolfpuppy, and donned a hot pink bob wig one night.<br /><br /><br />On a superficial (but still satisfying) note, i've lost 17lbs since may-ish and only have 8 more to go. Once I hit 100 i'll finally get my Boston tattoo: an ivy vine curving around my right hipbone. It's both a celebration of reaching my goal, and incentive to keep the weight off for good so my ivy doesn't get stretched or distorted. I'm shooting for December 7th-ish, cause if i go around Allie's birthday i can buy her a tattoo as a gift and we can do it together.<br /><br />School has just been a slew of procrastination, detailed excuses, and getting 2nd, 3rd, 7th fucking chances tossed to me by all my teachers. Still, I'll probably get straight As as usual. It's kinda fucked but I don't.. care enough to care?<br /><br /><br />I've been saying it since I was 15, but my life is still the biggest joke the universe has ever played. They'll probably write it on my gravestone. Probably in 5 years.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-37731583375681454682009-10-19T21:33:00.001-04:002009-10-19T21:33:40.711-04:00Jumping ShipOpen your eyes<br />Wake up chained to train tracks<br />Over a nameless river<br />With blurred murky banks<br />Encased in a steel car<br />Designed to hurtle you<br />To where you should be<br /><br />Your seat is surgically clean<br />A stranger on the intercom says<br />It’s carrying you back to the city you once called home<br />(Remember to be grateful)<br /><br />The water below makes a show of behaving<br />Glint, flow, glisten, reflect<br />Hide all that lies below the surface<br />With a smooth sheet of impossible blue<br /><br />Your mother calls to make sure you’ve boarded<br />Make sure you’ve followed instruction<br />Her voice pounds a cadence<br />Count your change, count your blessings<br />(Remember to be grateful)<br /><br />Now the water beckons<br />Every motionless inch of the vast entity<br />Begs for your body<br />To send ripples tearing<br />Through its monotony<br />‘Aren’t you tired of looking down upon freedom<br />From your platform pedestal?’<br /><br />Your father sends a message<br />Imploring you to look at the trees<br />Note the season’s beauty goldorangered<br />(Remember to be grateful)<br /><br />The water feels crisp<br />Enveloping your weight<br />This cold welcome still warmer than home<br />Embodying your vacillation<br />Swaying back and forth<br />It can’t guarantee a destination<br />Or estimate a time of arrival<br />But from where you’re floating<br />Belly to the sky<br />You’ve never been more grateful<br />So open your eyes<br />You’ve never felt more real<br /> elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-1727771864810639252009-10-19T21:30:00.000-04:002009-10-19T21:31:05.764-04:00ClosureI dreamt a crooked smile<br />Felt ocean air escape through<br />New York prison pavement<br />Heard the purr of a Cheshire cat<br />Under the hard surface<br />It sent me across the country<br />Chasing an elusive trail of your freckles<br />A map I found imprinted on the shoulders of strangers<br />Found your address scribbled into trees<br />Where leaves fell around my feet<br />Bursting into flames<br />Soon I felt the creak of your door<br />Shaking the surface of my skin<br />Reverberating in my brain<br />An empty echo in an empty room<br />You were gone from this place too<br />But my blood was still running<br />My heartbeat indifferent<br />So I stripped your walls of my memory<br />Claimed every piece of me<br />That I deemed salvageable<br />Balled it up and swallowed down<br /><br />Fell asleep in a new city<br />She looked me in the eyes<br />And made peace in my boneselladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-72707941406295373812009-10-19T21:08:00.001-04:002009-10-19T21:09:30.440-04:00601240Falling in love with you<br />Hurt no better and no worse<br />Than crawling out of it does now<br /><br />Shaky sick stomach feeling<br />On your broken basement bed<br />Clenching hands and panicked thoughts<br />As we feverishly held each other <br /><br />The same ache stirred in solitude<br />Clock claims we’ve run our course<br />Clenching fists and panicked thoughts<br />As we desperately hold our composure <br /><br />Is this really the escaping of a dream?<br />No fluttering hopes slipping between fingers<br />Just a futile grasp scraping for remains<br />Of an idea long lost to apathy<br />Who crept in all cunning and cruel<br />Rendering this a terminal abandonment<br /><br />Irreparable, yet I still remember a time<br />When our ignorant throats sang in blisselladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-17361088689634321382009-10-07T12:35:00.003-04:002009-10-07T12:39:52.258-04:00DECISIONS!I'm so excited for Halloween already! Every year i dress up as someone that i wanted to be when i was younger (or now) and/or have a serious crush on. Right now i'm deciding between either Jessica Rabbit or Princess Leia.<br /><br /><br /><br /><a href="http://clonelegends.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/lmb.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 689px; height: 955px;" src="http://clonelegends.com/wp-content/uploads/2009/01/lmb.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><a href="http://www.rock107.ca/morningshow/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/jessica_rabbit.jpg"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 301px; height: 520px;" src="http://www.rock107.ca/morningshow/wp-content/uploads/2009/04/jessica_rabbit.jpg" border="0" alt="" /></a><br /><br /><br />THEY ARE BOTH SO GOOD and would be fun costumes. I would just do them both on different days but they really deserve their own years.. even though I basically stay in costume for almost full 2 weeks surrounding actual Halloween haha. maybe I'll get/make both anyway and then decide.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-52511089506400936282009-09-30T22:08:00.003-04:002009-09-30T22:40:19.122-04:00SO GOOD.i found my old livejournal today and it is the greatest thing ever!! this is exactly why i want to keep a blog, because it is so funny and gratifying to go back and read this stuff. i was the EXACT same person 4-6 years ago, it is insane. my thoughts and outlooks have not changed at all, my lifestyle is bizarrely similar, my relationships with people are pretty much the same.. it's too good. i want to post everything on here, but i'll just post the link so i can go back whenever.<br /><br /><br />i did LAUGH at this though:<br /><br />"i like to place a name on my problems<br />and a face on my loneliness<br />and maintain faceless nameless people<br />to recieve my undirected love.<br />but my entire life is just a reflection of what i feel and think.<br />and none of it means anything to me, at all."<br /><br />such a robot. it's still pretty relevant and makes sense to me though.<br /><br /><br />http://xhanglikea-star.livejournal.com/elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-81835158722461213172009-09-27T22:52:00.005-04:002009-09-27T23:37:52.179-04:00It's Astounding How You Lay So Close To Your Curei feel insanely bipolar. i keep having incredible highs followed by hollowing lows and i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i keep venting to the same friends and although they are loyal, consistent, and all-around amazing, the few people who could truly make me feel better never come through. <br /><br />so i vent back to myself:<br /><br />- i woke up after 4 hours of sleep covered in bruises from a stupid night and had to go to work and try to act enthused ..i clearly failed at that because i randomly freaked out and started crying uncontrollably, my boss literally just held me like a baby on the couch until i calmed down. i hate crying, i hate crying even more when i don't know why it's happening, and i hate crying most in front of anyone.<br /><br />- i accidentally locked myself out of my own room and had to spend the only free hours of my day trying to get it open because my landlord & locksmith are fucking incompetent (joe and brad eventually infiltrated my window).<br /><br />- my grandpa has lung cancer again, my 55yrold uncle is in the middle of cancer treatments now, my favorite uncle just gave everyone a scare with complications from surgery.. and although it's frustrating that my dad fails to tell me any of this until after the fact, i'm more upset about/feeling shitty for being totally absent from any sort of family life.<br /><br />also now i have 2 long overdue papers to do within the next 2 hours somehow because my whole day was wasted with bullshit, but i'm sitting in the library too upset to concentrate. how can i write a positive speech about myself when i feel fucking useless as a person? i would absolutely take a mental leave of absence from school right now if i didn't get shut down so hard the last time i tried to do that, which was when s.h. died almost 2 years ago. it isn't that things are so bad, it isn't that my problems are huge, it isn't that my life sucks - because i know they're not and it doesn't. it's only my head that is incredibly fucked, and the rest wouldn't be an issue if not for that.<br /><br /><br />i'm always either indulged or ignored. i honestly want someone to slap me in the face, refuse me sympathy and sugarcoating, stop giving me easy exits and free passes, and force me to man the fuck up because for the first time in my entire life i really don't think i can do it myself.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-25039090052067169892009-09-25T15:56:00.004-04:002009-09-25T17:16:57.871-04:00I Am Feathered By the MoonlightSeveral things over the past week have actually made me stop in my tracks and think about how the littlest things in life can be so incredibly beautiful or gratifying or meaningful. It can be an offhand comment someone makes that strikes a chord in you, or something completely irrelevant that you happen to witness and appreciate, or even just the way something looks or sounds or moves. It sucks that most people are too absorbed in their own issues and agendas to take notice of or be affected by that stuff.. if everyone could just understand that life isn't meant to be taken seriously, then the little things would be the only ones that carried any weight. For me, the feeling of finishing a really good book is infinitely better than the feeling of getting a 3.6 GPA. Having an unexpectedly great conversation with one of my bosses or customers at work is way more rewarding than the money in my hand at the end of the week.<br /><br /> <strong>Here's a few instances that have recently re-affirmed my faith in humanity in little ways:</strong><br /><br /><br />* Last night after work I saw a young couple slow dancing on the sidewalk - no music, no laughter, not talking, completely oblivious to the screech of traffic in the background and bustle of drunk kids rushing past them.<br /><br /><br />* Today as I was rushing between classes a total stranger walked up to me, put his hand on my shoulder, looked dead in my eyes and said "you are really beautiful" - and then just continued on his way as I awkwardly yelled a word of thanks to his back.<br /><br /><br />* My communications professor pulled me aside in class today to compliment me on the caliber of language I used in a recent e-mail to him. His exacts words were: "I am not sure I have read one message -or even any assignment- that has been better written."<br /><br /><br />* A few days ago I stopped by a party to say hi to an old friend, who turned out to be incredibly drunk and kept trying to kiss me. When I denied the advances he mumbled something to the effect of 'then why did I even invite you here anyway?' to which I replied 'if that was your only reason, then why have we been friends for 10 years?' Suddenly his demeanor became very serious as he apologized and said 'we're friends because I've always considered you to be one of very few legitimately SMART girls I have ever met.' <br /><br /><br />* Last week I was walking down my street and noticed that the Prudential building off in the distance was glowing bright orange from the reflection of the setting sun. It looked so incredible that I actually called Joe and made him walk up the hill to look at it with me (hi joe, you're the only person who reads this anyway!)<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Oh and I made a tumblr account specifically for posting lyrics and such so that I can keep this blog solely for my own thoughts - any extras will be here: http://elladevine.tumblr.com/elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-27021458346721454742009-09-22T21:23:00.004-04:002009-09-22T22:10:54.967-04:00All Over The Walls, All Over My BrainI've listened to Cassino every single day for the past 3 weeks, although it isn't anything new or extraordinary, and this is basically why:<br /><br />"I know I'll always stay possessed like some preacher to a crucifix if you drive your nails into me. We're sitting on the floor in a pile trading our arms for some wings of harm. I am god damned, been blown from the hinge and I can now barely stand. Oh Jaelyn I can feel you like the wind. The beatings that rotation brings has us bedding down on anything but as our shrinking lives collide and ring the sound is beautiful and lean. I never planned to live like this - empty vaults, a rolling kiss, oh I never plan on anything. Sitting on the floor in a smile I'm tearing apart, like poverty art you are god sent. Been blown from the hinge and I can now barely stand."<br /><br /><br /><br />Their lyrics just read like poetry. I love that. I actually printed out City and Colour lyrics too this week to make a little poetry booklet to read in my boring classes. I'm a freak. Here's some real poetry: <br /><br /><br />"I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead;<br />I lift my lids and all is born again.<br />(I think I made you up inside my head.)<br /><br />The stars go waltzing out in blue and red,<br />And arbitrary blackness gallops in:<br />I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.<br /><br />I dreamed that you bewitched me into bed<br />And sung me moon-struck, kissed me quite insane.<br />(I think I made you up inside my head.)<br /><br />God topples from the sky, hell’s fires fade:<br />Exit seraphim and Satan’s men:<br />I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.<br /><br />I fancied you’d return the way you said,<br />But I grow old and I forget your name.<br />(I think I made you up inside my head.)<br /><br />I should have loved a thunderbird instead;<br />At least when spring comes they roar back again.<br />I shut my eyes and all the world drops dead.<br />(I think I made you up inside my head.)"<br /><br />-Mad Girl’s Love Song by Sylvia Plathelladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-86849523050316457122009-09-22T12:55:00.003-04:002009-09-22T15:49:06.464-04:00I Am Alive & That Is the Best That I Can DoI shouldn't be on this because i'm in the middle of taking an internet hiatus, but I am failing so hard at most things right now that I can't help it. The hiatus was supposed to a) force me to actually do some homework and b) prevent me from seeing things on facebook/twitter that only make me cringe and overanalyze - which is stupid and creepy, because the internet is not a valid representation of real life.<br /><br />OH and I wanted a record of what Nancy said to me the other day. I couldn't stop talking about something and when I apologized for it she told me she actually liked it because "she could see me soul" - hahah it made my day but i hate it. According to another friend I am a "closet human" and honestly I really don't like when people can see me as anything other than an emotional robot. Although it was my own choice to trade in that armor, I only put up a different wall and this one is giving me fucking ulcers. Whatever, as long as my 'soul is showing' i can go to human clubs instead of clubbing humans.. sup nancy.<br /><br />Anyway I still feel godawful, I skipped 3 days of classes already and it's barely the 3rd week of school, I am completely behind in all of my homework INCLUDING the reflection still due from august - but I'm going to try now, really. I needed to fix my mental health a little bit before I could do anything else, so I don't feel too bad about it. I'd feel better if my mental health actually was improved, which it's not, but it's also not my fault or for lack of trying.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Been addicted to this Margot and the Nuclear So and So's song lately.. I love it in a really sick way though, seeing as I feel like a skeleton key most days. <br /><br />"I did a sick, sick thing to my love<br />My lack of loyalty, it swallowed her up<br />And she cooked me food<br />She squirmed and turned<br />Like a skeleton key<br />She left her man and attended to me<br />And don't call me that<br />Don't claim you love me<br />Cause you know that ain't true<br />My dire affliction I'll attribute to you<br />And you're finally free<br />To twist and turn<br />Like a skeleton key<br />You've gotta let me know<br />I did a horrible thing to that girl<br />I bread my misery and drowned it in her<br />And she got me high<br />And I hardly noticed there were tears in her eyes<br />And I miss you less and less everyday<br />This stream of whiskey's helped to wash you away<br />And it's clear to see<br />You're nothing special<br />You're a skeleton key<br />You've gotta let me know"elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-8673974848122071722009-09-16T15:40:00.003-04:002009-09-16T15:47:02.089-04:00Can't Stop Listening - Part 2"I know it cause you wrote it down a hundred times <br />But you say that you're doing just fine <br />Say there's something better <br />But today there is a cold moon rising <br />And you wanted something better <br />But tonight, tonight you're giving up <br />I asked a question, give me an answer <br />You'll say the word, and I will disappear <br />.... Darkness, and you can hear me <br />I will try to draw you near me <br />But in the morning you will wake up alone <br />When your body breaks <br />Even the hummingbirds will feel the earthquake"<br /><br />-from The Hush Sound "Molasses"<br />i just listened to their cd "Goodbye Blues" for the first time and it rules.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-25491734078348253952009-09-15T22:11:00.004-04:002009-09-16T15:48:39.045-04:00Can't Stop Listening"and it just feels good when you're waking up<br />and it just feels good when you're next to me <br />and it just feels good when you're coming home <br />and it just feels good when it's waking up<br />and I've become just like a chemical stress <br />tracing the lines of my face for <br />something more beautiful than is there"<br /><br />-from Rilo Kiley "My Slumbering Heart"elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-53193902175144483972009-09-14T21:18:00.006-04:002009-09-14T22:59:08.932-04:00I Am Flawed If I'm Not FreeIf I could trade lives with anyone for a few days, it would be one of these little ladies.<br /><br />They are each:<br />(1) a rare combination of gorgeous, intelligent, and talented<br />(2) frontwomen of great bands<br />(3) fostering successful solo careers<br />(4) brilliant lyricists<br />(5) known for their incredible style<br />(6) constantly travelling & surrounded by amazing people<br /><br /><br /><br />Maria Taylor (Azure Ray, Now It's Overhead)<br /><br /><a href="http://s618.photobucket.com/albums/tt264/elladevine/Blog/?action=view¤t=mt.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i618.photobucket.com/albums/tt264/elladevine/Blog/mt.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br />The first show I ever went to by myself was Maria Taylor at the Troubador in LA, and it was painfully beautiful. She was so tiny and talked in this shy awkward manner, but then as soon as she started playing she transformed into this commanding presence and all anyone could do was shut up and stare - and that RARELY happens at shows in LA. It just felt incredibly intimate and personal; her emotions were so palpable that I actually got anxious and kinda nervous just watching. I cannot imagine being able to put myself on display like that. Not gonna lie, I teared up a little bit when she played "Clean Getaway" (that song was my anthem for the first few months after moving across the country) so I was pretty relieved that I had opted to go alone. I remember listening to Azure Ray in my car on winter mornings driving to high school, and how excited I was when I recognized her voice on so many Bright Eyes tracks. I'm just amazed that anyone this awesome could come out of Alabama.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Jenny Lewis (Rilo Kiley)<br /><br /><a href="http://s618.photobucket.com/albums/tt264/elladevine/Blog/?action=view¤t=jl.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i618.photobucket.com/albums/tt264/elladevine/Blog/jl.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br />Seriously the cutest girl ever. I could have exploded from happiness when she played "Silver Lining" at Coachella, and then again when Elvis Costello joined her for "Carpetbaggers" at Bonnaroo.<br /><br /><br /><br /><br /><br />Emily Haines (Metric, Broken Social Scene)<br /><br /><a href="http://s618.photobucket.com/albums/tt264/elladevine/Blog/?action=view¤t=eh.jpg" target="_blank"><img src="http://i618.photobucket.com/albums/tt264/elladevine/Blog/eh.jpg" border="0" alt="Photobucket"></a><br /><br />Emily Haines is the most powerfully sexual person I've ever witnessed. It's not that she's overtly goodlooking, she just has this startlingly sensual voice and brash confidence that make everything she sings feel like a come-on. Listen to "Raw Sugar" and you'll understand. This is a woman who moved to Buenos Aires on a whim - completely alone - for a few months last year just to clear her head and write the new Metric album in peace, which is one of the coolest things I've ever heard. She's fucking wild onstage but retains this undeniable mysterious quality which just makes her all the more attractive and captivating.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-13985199879400107782009-09-14T15:19:00.003-04:002009-09-14T16:00:55.238-04:00I'm Too Tired To Go To Sleep TonightListened to Motion City Soundtrack all day in an attempt to energize myself after sleeping for maybe 2hrs last night, tops. I realize that all i do is post lyrics but whatever, most of my issues are pretty unoriginal and lyrics tend to sum them up more eloquently than i could anyway.<br /><br />"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem<br />Said the knuckle to the concrete<br />And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight<br />For the first time in a long time I can say<br />That I want to try to get better and<br />Overcome each moment in my own way<br />I'm not saying that I'm giving up<br />I'm just trying not to think as much as I used to<br />Cause never is a lonely little messed up word<br />Maybe I'll get it right some day<br />For the first time in a long time I can say<br />That I want to try<br />I feel helpless for the most part<br />But I'm learning to open my eyes<br />And the sad truth of the matter is<br />I'll never get over it<br />But I'm gonna try to get better<br />And overcome each moment in my own way<br />I sure want to get back on track<br />And I'll do whatever it takes<br />Even if it kills me"<br /><br />from "Even If It Kills Me"<br /><br /><br /><br /><br />anyway, i killed it in financial management class today so i'm feeling pretty good about that, and this semester's first literary magazine meeting is tonight so i definitely have a nerdboner. i had really good conversations with ashley, stephen, nancy, and kristen yesterday/today and i realized how much i love having friends that are so radically different in their views and opinions. it's so interesting to see how personal experience and attitudes lead people to percieve the same situation in completely disparate ways. it's also extremely reassuring to be reminded of how sincerely they care about my happiness and sanity. ashley is harsh and brutally honest, steve is my constant ego boost, nancy is compassionate and sympathetic, and kristen is relentlessly logical and intuitive - and their combined support honestly helped clarify so much for me.<br /><br />i realized that there is nothing actually wrong with anything, my life is pretty solid and incredible, and all this weirdness i've been feeling is purely personal issues and insecurities that i've bottled up for far too long so their surfacing was just too much to handle all at once, and now i need to address them individually. my big roadblock was that i was so concerned with getting back to where i used to be mentally, but now i know it's more about moving forward and facing my weaknesses rather than masking them as i have for 20 years. what worked when i was 18 and untouchable will not have the same success rate today. i need to find the balance between being vulnerable and being a robot, and accept that it's ok to be human. i will admit that i went a little fucking crazy last night, so today begins the uphill battle out of this ditch i somehow sunk into. i feel pretty good.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-55284484937413637532009-09-13T21:34:00.004-04:002009-09-27T23:39:04.535-04:00And I Know It WellI've lived between work, the gym, and the library the past 2 days in a mildly successful attempt at being a hermit. This style could work for me.. between 26+ hrs/wk at Temptations and at least 2 homework assignments due every weekday, it's kinda my only option. But Nancy is visiting me next weekend so that will be a nice break, we always have the most fun in Boston.<br /><br />It's nice to finally have a cash flow again, although I'm already planning out fall purchases: a pygmy hedgehog, flannel shirtdresses with corresponding knee socks & tights, tall boots, and hopefully a trip to CA by December. Perhaps I should pay off my mounting credit card debt first? ..Perhaps.<br /><br />Things to Work On: increasing motivation, decreasing procrastination, regaining self-assurance & self-esteem, stop smoking even just "socially" and (as always) stabilize my ever-fucked sleep pattern<br /><br />It's already fall weather in Boston so I need to make a quick NJ trip to get all my winter clothes very soon, but I'm currently not stable enough to go back there. In due time.<br /><br /><br />Listened to Circa Survive at the gym, the song "Meet Me in Montauk" hit me hard from several directions. The reference in the title always reminds me of being 15, finding flowers on my doorstep with that note tucked in the morning after we watched 'Eternal Sunshine' together - that scribbled quote is still on my dresser at home, although it's presence is always overshadowed by his funeral card in my selective line of vision. Still, the first verse is conducent to the present, and the rest of it to (what should be) the past.<br /><br />"Leave just as you came<br />Without a sound<br />Nothing to ruffle your ends<br />I've been wandering around<br />Making up movies in my head<br />So we say don't let it go<br />Let me try and pull out my pride<br />I already forget how I used to feel about you<br />Leave as fast as you came<br />No invitation, nowhere to go from here<br />I've been wandering around<br />Wondering how I got so, got so..<br />So fucking boring all of a sudden<br />So fucking scared (No I'm not scared)<br />You'd mean so much more to me<br />You'd mean so much more if I remembered"elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-867467154403376320.post-38372327171131122092009-09-11T22:44:00.002-04:002009-09-11T23:39:44.215-04:00If This Isn't What You Want Then Why Are You Here?"I'm not really like this. I'm probably plightless. I cup the window. I'm crippled and slow. For the agony I'd rather know, cause blinded I am blindsided. Would you really rush out for me now?"<br />-Bon Iver<br /><br /><br />I am the only person in the entire library info commons area at almost midnight on a friday, and i'm not even doing work.. just hiding out, cause it's hard to be alone when all your friends are your neighbors and i haven't had even a few hours to myself in weeks. i'm having one of those moments where i'm not really sure what i'm doing in college, because i couldn't possibly care any less about the things i'm currently learning in class and i feel like there's a lot more i could be doing with my life that doesn't involve wasting my fucking time. it's not helping that i have felt so goddamn inadequate for weeks already for other reasons.<br /><br />i'm just going to stop writing, because this is sounding fucking miserable and i'm not trying to have a sick emo blog 7th grade heartbreak style.elladevinehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/16830721001057852583noreply@blogger.com0