Monday, September 14, 2009

I'm Too Tired To Go To Sleep Tonight

Listened to Motion City Soundtrack all day in an attempt to energize myself after sleeping for maybe 2hrs last night, tops. I realize that all i do is post lyrics but whatever, most of my issues are pretty unoriginal and lyrics tend to sum them up more eloquently than i could anyway.

"I'm really not as stubborn as I seem
Said the knuckle to the concrete
And I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try to get better and
Overcome each moment in my own way
I'm not saying that I'm giving up
I'm just trying not to think as much as I used to
Cause never is a lonely little messed up word
Maybe I'll get it right some day
For the first time in a long time I can say
That I want to try
I feel helpless for the most part
But I'm learning to open my eyes
And the sad truth of the matter is
I'll never get over it
But I'm gonna try to get better
And overcome each moment in my own way
I sure want to get back on track
And I'll do whatever it takes
Even if it kills me"

from "Even If It Kills Me"

anyway, i killed it in financial management class today so i'm feeling pretty good about that, and this semester's first literary magazine meeting is tonight so i definitely have a nerdboner. i had really good conversations with ashley, stephen, nancy, and kristen yesterday/today and i realized how much i love having friends that are so radically different in their views and opinions. it's so interesting to see how personal experience and attitudes lead people to percieve the same situation in completely disparate ways. it's also extremely reassuring to be reminded of how sincerely they care about my happiness and sanity. ashley is harsh and brutally honest, steve is my constant ego boost, nancy is compassionate and sympathetic, and kristen is relentlessly logical and intuitive - and their combined support honestly helped clarify so much for me.

i realized that there is nothing actually wrong with anything, my life is pretty solid and incredible, and all this weirdness i've been feeling is purely personal issues and insecurities that i've bottled up for far too long so their surfacing was just too much to handle all at once, and now i need to address them individually. my big roadblock was that i was so concerned with getting back to where i used to be mentally, but now i know it's more about moving forward and facing my weaknesses rather than masking them as i have for 20 years. what worked when i was 18 and untouchable will not have the same success rate today. i need to find the balance between being vulnerable and being a robot, and accept that it's ok to be human. i will admit that i went a little fucking crazy last night, so today begins the uphill battle out of this ditch i somehow sunk into. i feel pretty good.

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