Sunday, September 27, 2009

It's Astounding How You Lay So Close To Your Cure

i feel insanely bipolar. i keep having incredible highs followed by hollowing lows and i don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. i keep venting to the same friends and although they are loyal, consistent, and all-around amazing, the few people who could truly make me feel better never come through.

so i vent back to myself:

- i woke up after 4 hours of sleep covered in bruises from a stupid night and had to go to work and try to act enthused ..i clearly failed at that because i randomly freaked out and started crying uncontrollably, my boss literally just held me like a baby on the couch until i calmed down. i hate crying, i hate crying even more when i don't know why it's happening, and i hate crying most in front of anyone.

- i accidentally locked myself out of my own room and had to spend the only free hours of my day trying to get it open because my landlord & locksmith are fucking incompetent (joe and brad eventually infiltrated my window).

- my grandpa has lung cancer again, my 55yrold uncle is in the middle of cancer treatments now, my favorite uncle just gave everyone a scare with complications from surgery.. and although it's frustrating that my dad fails to tell me any of this until after the fact, i'm more upset about/feeling shitty for being totally absent from any sort of family life.

also now i have 2 long overdue papers to do within the next 2 hours somehow because my whole day was wasted with bullshit, but i'm sitting in the library too upset to concentrate. how can i write a positive speech about myself when i feel fucking useless as a person? i would absolutely take a mental leave of absence from school right now if i didn't get shut down so hard the last time i tried to do that, which was when s.h. died almost 2 years ago. it isn't that things are so bad, it isn't that my problems are huge, it isn't that my life sucks - because i know they're not and it doesn't. it's only my head that is incredibly fucked, and the rest wouldn't be an issue if not for that.

i'm always either indulged or ignored. i honestly want someone to slap me in the face, refuse me sympathy and sugarcoating, stop giving me easy exits and free passes, and force me to man the fuck up because for the first time in my entire life i really don't think i can do it myself.

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