Every person has the same face.
I revel in architecture, the ocean,
a hard rain or a new town.
My skin is constantly crawling.
Something in me always wants to keep going.
I'm always happy, but never content.
Most find comfort in old friends, a familiar haunt,
the safety net of consistency -
all I see are dead ends and someone I used to be.
Comfort itself make me anxious.
I'd rather live for change,
dive blindly into the unknown.
I am all I need,
but I remain utterly insatiable.
Thursday, December 3, 2009
You're Just Damage Control
I am so glad this semester is ending so I can climb off the freakish rollercoaster that's been taking over my brain for the past couple months. Shit is slowing to a halt now but goddamn i was losing it for the first time in 5 years.
One short period of "clinical depression", laziness, and self-esteem issues is a very small price to pay in comparison to the huge way in which my life and brain and thoughts and outlook fucking rule 99.9% of the time. Although I did still promise my dad I'd go to a shrink or something, which I don't mind cause I've been meaning to get ADD medicine (legally) for a while now. Also I'm corking my uterus. And getting partial gum graft surgery. Think I'm kidding?
Spoke to my parents for the first time in 2months and went to nj for thanksgiving last week. Quality time in NYC with apk&co, nj adventures with apk & donny & randoms & nancy & briefly saw peter. GLASSJAW, BRAND NEW, MANCHESTER, KEVIN, &BRIAN all played in long island - incredible. went with my sisters and hung out with at least 12 other Devine family members, spanning 4 generations - too good.
just saw bonz again tonight at TTs with john nolan and personL, it was real fun and good hangs and i'm glad chris joined me THANKS FOR BEING A DOWN FOR ANYTHING FRIEND.
oh and i'm officially 104lbs, not quite quite at the goal but still a success that more than warrants being rewarded with a tattoo on monday - my 4th state tattoo (you deserve it, M.A.) and my 1st big/colored piece. it's also going to be a great excuse for me to take off my shirt and 'inadvertently' impress people with my incredible biceps and newly discovered triceps and hipbones. it'll be more subtle than that time last week when i forced my mom and sister into the bathroom to watch me flex in the mirror. Once again, think I'm kidding?
I didn't sleep or even go to bed last night so i don't know why i'm still awake at 4am, and now will end this narcissistic rant instead of listing off the 27things I am so excited for over the next week. that time will come i'm sure.
One short period of "clinical depression", laziness, and self-esteem issues is a very small price to pay in comparison to the huge way in which my life and brain and thoughts and outlook fucking rule 99.9% of the time. Although I did still promise my dad I'd go to a shrink or something, which I don't mind cause I've been meaning to get ADD medicine (legally) for a while now. Also I'm corking my uterus. And getting partial gum graft surgery. Think I'm kidding?
Spoke to my parents for the first time in 2months and went to nj for thanksgiving last week. Quality time in NYC with apk&co, nj adventures with apk & donny & randoms & nancy & briefly saw peter. GLASSJAW, BRAND NEW, MANCHESTER, KEVIN, &BRIAN all played in long island - incredible. went with my sisters and hung out with at least 12 other Devine family members, spanning 4 generations - too good.
just saw bonz again tonight at TTs with john nolan and personL, it was real fun and good hangs and i'm glad chris joined me THANKS FOR BEING A DOWN FOR ANYTHING FRIEND.
oh and i'm officially 104lbs, not quite quite at the goal but still a success that more than warrants being rewarded with a tattoo on monday - my 4th state tattoo (you deserve it, M.A.) and my 1st big/colored piece. it's also going to be a great excuse for me to take off my shirt and 'inadvertently' impress people with my incredible biceps and newly discovered triceps and hipbones. it'll be more subtle than that time last week when i forced my mom and sister into the bathroom to watch me flex in the mirror. Once again, think I'm kidding?
I didn't sleep or even go to bed last night so i don't know why i'm still awake at 4am, and now will end this narcissistic rant instead of listing off the 27things I am so excited for over the next week. that time will come i'm sure.
Monday, November 9, 2009
Living Well Is The Best Revenge
Not much going on that i care to share lately, or scribe to remind myself of. I've been pretty successfully chronicling my brain waves through lyrics & corresponding photos on my tumblr instead.
I was Jessica Rabbit for Halloween and that weekend was incredible, Nancy visited and she just brings out the best in me. This weekend I skinned my knees, failed to sleep or wear pants, met a cool huskywolfpuppy, and donned a hot pink bob wig one night.
On a superficial (but still satisfying) note, i've lost 17lbs since may-ish and only have 8 more to go. Once I hit 100 i'll finally get my Boston tattoo: an ivy vine curving around my right hipbone. It's both a celebration of reaching my goal, and incentive to keep the weight off for good so my ivy doesn't get stretched or distorted. I'm shooting for December 7th-ish, cause if i go around Allie's birthday i can buy her a tattoo as a gift and we can do it together.
School has just been a slew of procrastination, detailed excuses, and getting 2nd, 3rd, 7th fucking chances tossed to me by all my teachers. Still, I'll probably get straight As as usual. It's kinda fucked but I don't.. care enough to care?
I've been saying it since I was 15, but my life is still the biggest joke the universe has ever played. They'll probably write it on my gravestone. Probably in 5 years.
I was Jessica Rabbit for Halloween and that weekend was incredible, Nancy visited and she just brings out the best in me. This weekend I skinned my knees, failed to sleep or wear pants, met a cool huskywolfpuppy, and donned a hot pink bob wig one night.
On a superficial (but still satisfying) note, i've lost 17lbs since may-ish and only have 8 more to go. Once I hit 100 i'll finally get my Boston tattoo: an ivy vine curving around my right hipbone. It's both a celebration of reaching my goal, and incentive to keep the weight off for good so my ivy doesn't get stretched or distorted. I'm shooting for December 7th-ish, cause if i go around Allie's birthday i can buy her a tattoo as a gift and we can do it together.
School has just been a slew of procrastination, detailed excuses, and getting 2nd, 3rd, 7th fucking chances tossed to me by all my teachers. Still, I'll probably get straight As as usual. It's kinda fucked but I don't.. care enough to care?
I've been saying it since I was 15, but my life is still the biggest joke the universe has ever played. They'll probably write it on my gravestone. Probably in 5 years.
Monday, October 19, 2009
Jumping Ship
Open your eyes
Wake up chained to train tracks
Over a nameless river
With blurred murky banks
Encased in a steel car
Designed to hurtle you
To where you should be
Your seat is surgically clean
A stranger on the intercom says
It’s carrying you back to the city you once called home
(Remember to be grateful)
The water below makes a show of behaving
Glint, flow, glisten, reflect
Hide all that lies below the surface
With a smooth sheet of impossible blue
Your mother calls to make sure you’ve boarded
Make sure you’ve followed instruction
Her voice pounds a cadence
Count your change, count your blessings
(Remember to be grateful)
Now the water beckons
Every motionless inch of the vast entity
Begs for your body
To send ripples tearing
Through its monotony
‘Aren’t you tired of looking down upon freedom
From your platform pedestal?’
Your father sends a message
Imploring you to look at the trees
Note the season’s beauty goldorangered
(Remember to be grateful)
The water feels crisp
Enveloping your weight
This cold welcome still warmer than home
Embodying your vacillation
Swaying back and forth
It can’t guarantee a destination
Or estimate a time of arrival
But from where you’re floating
Belly to the sky
You’ve never been more grateful
So open your eyes
You’ve never felt more real
Wake up chained to train tracks
Over a nameless river
With blurred murky banks
Encased in a steel car
Designed to hurtle you
To where you should be
Your seat is surgically clean
A stranger on the intercom says
It’s carrying you back to the city you once called home
(Remember to be grateful)
The water below makes a show of behaving
Glint, flow, glisten, reflect
Hide all that lies below the surface
With a smooth sheet of impossible blue
Your mother calls to make sure you’ve boarded
Make sure you’ve followed instruction
Her voice pounds a cadence
Count your change, count your blessings
(Remember to be grateful)
Now the water beckons
Every motionless inch of the vast entity
Begs for your body
To send ripples tearing
Through its monotony
‘Aren’t you tired of looking down upon freedom
From your platform pedestal?’
Your father sends a message
Imploring you to look at the trees
Note the season’s beauty goldorangered
(Remember to be grateful)
The water feels crisp
Enveloping your weight
This cold welcome still warmer than home
Embodying your vacillation
Swaying back and forth
It can’t guarantee a destination
Or estimate a time of arrival
But from where you’re floating
Belly to the sky
You’ve never been more grateful
So open your eyes
You’ve never felt more real
Closure
I dreamt a crooked smile
Felt ocean air escape through
New York prison pavement
Heard the purr of a Cheshire cat
Under the hard surface
It sent me across the country
Chasing an elusive trail of your freckles
A map I found imprinted on the shoulders of strangers
Found your address scribbled into trees
Where leaves fell around my feet
Bursting into flames
Soon I felt the creak of your door
Shaking the surface of my skin
Reverberating in my brain
An empty echo in an empty room
You were gone from this place too
But my blood was still running
My heartbeat indifferent
So I stripped your walls of my memory
Claimed every piece of me
That I deemed salvageable
Balled it up and swallowed down
Fell asleep in a new city
She looked me in the eyes
And made peace in my bones
Felt ocean air escape through
New York prison pavement
Heard the purr of a Cheshire cat
Under the hard surface
It sent me across the country
Chasing an elusive trail of your freckles
A map I found imprinted on the shoulders of strangers
Found your address scribbled into trees
Where leaves fell around my feet
Bursting into flames
Soon I felt the creak of your door
Shaking the surface of my skin
Reverberating in my brain
An empty echo in an empty room
You were gone from this place too
But my blood was still running
My heartbeat indifferent
So I stripped your walls of my memory
Claimed every piece of me
That I deemed salvageable
Balled it up and swallowed down
Fell asleep in a new city
She looked me in the eyes
And made peace in my bones
601240
Falling in love with you
Hurt no better and no worse
Than crawling out of it does now
Shaky sick stomach feeling
On your broken basement bed
Clenching hands and panicked thoughts
As we feverishly held each other
The same ache stirred in solitude
Clock claims we’ve run our course
Clenching fists and panicked thoughts
As we desperately hold our composure
Is this really the escaping of a dream?
No fluttering hopes slipping between fingers
Just a futile grasp scraping for remains
Of an idea long lost to apathy
Who crept in all cunning and cruel
Rendering this a terminal abandonment
Irreparable, yet I still remember a time
When our ignorant throats sang in bliss
Hurt no better and no worse
Than crawling out of it does now
Shaky sick stomach feeling
On your broken basement bed
Clenching hands and panicked thoughts
As we feverishly held each other
The same ache stirred in solitude
Clock claims we’ve run our course
Clenching fists and panicked thoughts
As we desperately hold our composure
Is this really the escaping of a dream?
No fluttering hopes slipping between fingers
Just a futile grasp scraping for remains
Of an idea long lost to apathy
Who crept in all cunning and cruel
Rendering this a terminal abandonment
Irreparable, yet I still remember a time
When our ignorant throats sang in bliss
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
DECISIONS!
I'm so excited for Halloween already! Every year i dress up as someone that i wanted to be when i was younger (or now) and/or have a serious crush on. Right now i'm deciding between either Jessica Rabbit or Princess Leia.
THEY ARE BOTH SO GOOD and would be fun costumes. I would just do them both on different days but they really deserve their own years.. even though I basically stay in costume for almost full 2 weeks surrounding actual Halloween haha. maybe I'll get/make both anyway and then decide.
THEY ARE BOTH SO GOOD and would be fun costumes. I would just do them both on different days but they really deserve their own years.. even though I basically stay in costume for almost full 2 weeks surrounding actual Halloween haha. maybe I'll get/make both anyway and then decide.
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